The Duality of Solitude: Finding Balance Between Busyness and Me-Time in Motherhood

Written by Becky Yarwood

Artwork by Kateryna Manko

Source: Nguyen, T. T., Konu, D., Tetteh, D., Tshimbalanga, P., Weissová, J., & Xiong, M. (Under review). “I got all sorts of solitude, but that solitude wasn’t mine”: A Mixed-Methods Approach to Understanding Aloneness during Becoming A Mother. Doi: https://doi.org/10.31219/osf.io/m67k2. 

Becoming a mother is a transformative experience, filled with both joy and challenges. For many new mothers, solitude becomes a complex part of this journey, bringing with it both opportunities for personal time and the overwhelming responsibilities of caring for a child. 

As part of a research study aimed at understanding how solitude impacts new mothers, we interviewed 22 first-time mothers from Northeast England. These mothers, aged between 23 and 44, shared their experiences of solitude while caring for their babies, who ranged from 2 to 34 months old. Through their stories, two prominent themes emerged: solitude as busyness and solitude as me time. 

Solitude as busyness 

For many mothers, the idea of solitude is not synonymous with relaxation. Instead, it often becomes a time when self-care and relaxation are replaced by the unending list of household chores and childcare responsibilities. Even during the rare quiet moments when their babies nap, these mothers found themselves prioritizing tasks like cleaning and cooking, driven by the unpredictable and sparse nature of free time when caring for a young child. 

One mother shared her thoughts on this constant busyness:  

“I feel like now there is always a list of like jobs and things to do…so if anyone takes my little one out, I’ve got to finish up, gotta do washing up. There’s just always something I don’t even know what I would do to totally switch off now.”  

This statement reflects the reality for many new mothers, where the demands of daily life overshadow any opportunity for true rest or relaxation. The result is a significant lack of ‘me-time,’ leaving these mothers with little chance to recharge or enjoy personal hobbies. 

Solitude as me time 

On the rare occasions when mothers do find time for themselves, this ‘me-time’ is often overshadowed by the exhaustion that comes with caring for a baby. Rather than engaging in activities that might once have been enjoyable, such as socializing or pursuing hobbies, these mothers often resort to more basic self-maintenance activities like napping or taking a shower. 

One mother described how she makes the most of her precious me-time: 

“I usually try at least to have at least thirty minutes or so of me-time whereby just maybe take a long shower while listening to music or I just lie down and just appreciate that time for a moment.”  

For these mothers, even a short break, like a shower or listening to music, becomes a cherished opportunity to relax and restore energy. These moments, though fleeting, are essential for maintaining some semblance of personal well-being amidst the demands of motherhood. 

The experiences shared by these mothers highlight the dual nature of solitude in early motherhood. While solitude offers the potential for valuable me-time, it is often consumed by the busyness of daily tasks and the exhaustion that accompanies the role of a new parent. Recognizing and addressing these challenges is crucial for supporting new mothers as they navigate the complex realities of solitude during this transformative phase of life.